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Itapos;s getting nice and chilly outside. I�decided to say "Fuck it" and wear my Alexisonfire hoodie to work with jeans. Itapos;s Friday..who cares??

Of course, today being the planned day to talk to my boss...and heapos;s not even here. Monday, then...

A little more than halfway done with Breaking Dawn. I donapos;t know why my boss said his daughter hated it...Iapos;m enjoying it. Maybe itapos;s something that has to do with the ending..but Iapos;ll get there soon.

Yesterday I went over to my momapos;s to pay for my insurance..which is so much cheaper. She told me a bit about the series sheapos;s getting me..I canapos;t wait

Iapos;m sure Iapos;ll have Breaking Dawn finished before they even get here, so Iapos;ll make a trip to Barnes Noble and pick up a fairly short book thatapos;s on my list.

Iapos;m totally out of raisins...so I�snacked on my fat free pringles and salsa today after I�warmed up some chicken my brother grilled the other night. YUMMM.

Dadapos;s going out of town Saturday. Maybe Dustin can stay the night...

Went over to Chase and Chelsieapos;s last night. Played a bit of Rock Band 2; surprisingly, Dustin let them borrow it. Glad to see things are changing for the better after the feud.

Timapos;s birthday is today, but he has to go to Oklahoma for his auntapos;s funeral. How fucking weak is that? Thereapos;s always at least one person�in his family�dying or in the hospital for something...thatapos;s gotta suck. I hope he wonapos;t be glum for too long..or at least be okay by next weekend; I�wanna give him his gift and then we all need to take him out for dinner and possibly a movie.

Cheech �Chong is 2 weeks away...as is Halloween I havenapos;t heard of any definite parties though...sigh...hope I�didnapos;t get this costume to dress up and have nowhere to go.

I told Chelsie I might quit smoking. Sure, Iapos;ll help them out..but it obviously wouldnapos;t be often seeing as I wonapos;t be consuming part of the supply, and Iapos;m considering taking on a job in the evenings and weekends. Anything to pay my car off, man...I need to start my life.

Still have no clue what to get Dustin for Christmas...I told Chelsie I�should just get him a stocking full of weed, and Chase said that would be awesome. Iapos;m already giving them mini stockings with probably a dime in each...but Dustin..I donapos;t know..I�want to give him something a bit more creative, but maybe I�shouldnapos;t seeing as we just arenapos;t on that relationship level anymore.

Me Bren are going to Cedarapos;s tomorrow to pick up food and then having picnic in a park. I hope it doesnapos;t rain

I forgot that I�told Brian to call me when he wakes up. Dangit. I kind of want to hang with him, but the more I�think about it, I donapos;t. We never seem to hold a conversation for too long...

Testees is getting a bit..extreme. Last nightapos;s episode, which is only the second one after the pilot, was a bit too much for me. I had to cover my mouth and turn away a few times.

We hadnapos;t used the gravity bong, Willy, since before the hurricane. I�guess they decided to break it out last night.

I donapos;t know if it was because we used that or I�just hadnapos;t been smoking that much in the past few days, but I definitely had an anxiety attack on the way home. My first thought was to get water and find food before I�could black out; hence, no more raisins. I ate the remaining ones of my room stash...and then passed out.

I feel a bit sore; I�was shaking really bad last night...I remember just looking at myself trying to control it, but I�couldnapos;t.

I really feel that quitting might be for the best.

Today, my dadapos;s scale told me 107...but, I�had my boots and hoodie and clothes on, so my mom always says to take away 2-3 lbs. Could it be though? I donapos;t EVER remember being this small I�feel like I�donapos;t even look this small. I kind of want an excuse to go to the doctor since they HAVE to be accurate..but I�have no reason.

I need to stop making plans with people; itapos;s either, make plans and stick with them [no backing out] or just be the fuck alone.

After this weekend, I think Iapos;ll do that..until Halloween anyhow.

I will, sadly, not go to see the show on Sunday. I donapos;t want to be by myself there....I mean, Iapos;ve gone to shows alone before, but I didnapos;t enjoy myself as much. Plus, I really should be saving my money. I already know what to get my mother and brother for Christmas; getting mom an all day spa thing for like $200, then getting my brother this iMixer thing since he wants to start mixing..and thatapos;s another $200. Dad...meh..still undecided..but I will get him something; he HAS helped me out a lot, despite he fucks up here and there quite frequently.� If it werenapos;t for him, I�wouldnapos;t have this much money saved, and I�wouldnapos;t have a roof over my head.

My face is semi breaking out. UGH I hardly ever get pimples

Why canapos;t I�just live IN a bookstore...? Away from everyone? Iapos;d probably be the smartest person ever..picking up books on all sorts of things. I would love to work in a bookstore.......I should at least see if Barnes Noble might be hiring for the evening shift next time I�drop in.

So, my "rockstar boyfriend" as you would call him, Brendon, hasnapos;t really been in touch with me. Not like Iapos;ve really been putting any effort to doing so, either. I sent him a text the other day..heapos;s usually late in responding but I�just havenapos;t heard from him at all. Iapos;m fine with it; I�think because of Dustin...who yet again, makes it impossible to see anyone else in that kind of light.

I�donapos;t know..it feels so right. His family loves me, I�love his family, weapos;re SO comfortable with eachother...Iapos;m best friends with his best friends..Iapos;ve definitely gotten accustomed to not seeing him everyday if not seeing him for at least once a week or so.....so whatapos;s wrong? I guess it must be the title or the committing thing..but seriously..itapos;s not like he tries to meet anyone new.

Woe is me.

I guess next weekend, despite I�just said I�would stop making plans, I�should stick with the ones already having been made....which means going to Lesapos; show with Brenda and blind dating one of his band mates. Yikes...who knows how smoothly thatapos;ll go.

Fable comes out at midnight on Monday..or Tuesday rather. Must be nice to have XBOX live for that shit. Dustin, Chase and Chelsie canapos;t stop talking about it. I at first was excited but..Iapos;ve grown a bit cold to about everything lately.

I want so many things, but I�donapos;t want to spend my money. I�really want to get the important things taken care of. I probably wonapos;t go to any shows I had said I�would..except for Dimmu and then Minus the Bear seeing as I�already have tickets.

maybe I�should shut off my phone for a while...

-emily


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