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The problem with LJ: we all think we are so close, but really, we know nothing about each other.

So I want you to ask me something you think you should know about me. Something that should be obvious, but you have no idea about.

Ask away.

Then post this in your LJ and find out what people donapos;t know about you (optional as always)

I think this is apt because there are people on my Flist that I donapos;t talk to often, and also the newer people. :) Hit me, guys hearts;

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i made this collage :)

So I be a buccanneer on thapos; 18th, I wouldna mind dressinapos; up as one everapos; tide. Coincidentally, today be international speak like a buccanneer tide. I love thapos; buccanneer, who goes by thapos; name oapos; Jack Sparrow.

Biking home after 1 am, not another soul but mine in the nights cool breeze, the shadows under the street lights, the last of the leaves swaying in the wind, the subtle sounds of whistles by my ear, I close my eyes and breathe in change. I feel autumn and winter, coldness and warmth, out of place and yet I know that right now, this is where Irsquo;m meant to be. It isnapos;t a costume, a mask or an act. Its my life, its their life, its a journey towards the unknown.

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Mom is out of the hospital and doing okay. Tim and I went and visited her last night, and sheapos;s hanging in there. Sheapos;s a little crankier for having been off of nicotine, caffeine, and her pain meds for the duration of her stay, but we didnapos;t fight once I was there in person.

Hecate-Widdershins-Kitty is being lavished with love at his new home. This is the most satisfactory rescue Iapos;ve had ever since I grabbed the two tiny kittens from the snow that went on to become my ginormous fluffy lovebugs, Duke and Toaster.

And I am responding to adds for babysitters. Some of these jobs pay well enough that I could cover all my monthly expenses simply by doing something I love.

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Iapos;m going on permanent disability (SSI).

i NEVER EVER thought that i would be doing this, but things get more intense as i get older... Especially with more than one stressor at a time. Itapos;s as though iapos;m unable to handle responsibilities required to exist... And i dont know how people are able to pull off these basic living "skills". This goes back to 1987 and iapos;ve never been able to change this by any avenue. I may be able to get benefits going all the way back to childhood, which would be... Better than not getting that. I MORE THAN check out for SSI with flying colors. GEE-ZUSSSSSS. Crazy. Literally. On file.

itapos;s like iapos;ll get a little bonus payment each month for a life of mental anguish. Not that itapos;s worth it... It almost feels as though iapos;m selling a piece of my soul to the devil. There is no excitement or delight, only disorientation and thoughts of acclimatization.
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I got my ballot in the mail today. It just needs a stamp for return to the county clerkapos;s office. I will not say who I voted for. I donapos;t even want to think about it. I was even tempted to write, "May God Have Mercy on My Soul." inside the flap of the return envelope. Of course I feel that way every time I vote. The only vote I will own up to at the moment is that I did not vote for "SuperDell" Schanze for Utah Governor. I wouldnapos;t vote that man dog catcher. I take solace in the fact that he wasnapos;t running for president, and all of you should too.

Ona

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Vandaag heeft Jan Marten samen met Heit gewerkt in het huis. Jan Marten is vrijdagavond naar Haulerwijk gegaan en trof daar als verrassing de vliering waar 2 kamertjes al waren getimmerd. Het aftimmeren doen we zelf. Lysanne krijgt nu haar slaapkamer helemaal boven en hebben we ook een logeerkamer. Het was dus vandaag elektra aanleggen en gipsplaten aanbrengen. De Veluxramen moeten nog door de timmerman worden geplaatst. Komende week begint het sierpleisteren en wordt de vliering verder afgewerkt.

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My favourite time of the day....if i have to be honest, Iapos;m not sure i have one. I like different parts of the day for different reasons. I like the mornings, because i get to wake up easily, drinking a cup of tea and reading my email and chatting with friends. I *love* the night, when iapos;m in my room, talking with Del, or just in bed, in the dark. Thatapos;s one of my favourite things to do. I love snuggling up under the covers, all warm and safe, with my thoughts and finally some silence in the house. I think itapos;s one of the few times of the day when i feel at peace. The part of the day that i like the least is definitely the late afternoon -- 4.30 or so, cause thatapos;s when my dad comes home. And when he does, the house suddenly closes in on me *sigh* I canapos;t wait to go home for Christmas.

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Damn that man to the very most remote corner of the Nether.

Why does he always pick the most insanely frustrating times to be all honorable and noble and sweet and RIGHT?

The whole time we were hunting for Ali, he was watching me, and I was watching him, and I was so glad he showed up at the party tonight. Even if Jai had to make some kind of silly wisecracks about apos;here we go againapos;. Whatapos;s that supposed to mean any damn way?

There I was, practically in his damn lap, and I kissed him, and it was just as good as I remember, maybe even better, and I could tell he wanted it just as much as I did. And he said NO. Because it might mess things up if we still have a chance for something more. Because he didnapos;t want me to regret it in the morning. And I know heapos;s probably right and we should take things slow and figure out just what this is thatapos;s still hanging there in the air between us before we do THAT (especially while Iapos;m even a little bit drunk), but I canapos;t stop thinking about it and Iapos;m gonna lose my mind if I donapos;t get a good f

*another big angry-looking scribble*

I just slammed my hand in the door. Twice. It didnapos;t help. Now Iapos;m all riled up AND my hand hurts. Ow.

Still, at least he left just as frustrated as I did. Some things are kinda hard to hide. Nice to know I can still do that to him.

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Itapos;s getting nice and chilly outside. I�decided to say "Fuck it" and wear my Alexisonfire hoodie to work with jeans. Itapos;s Friday..who cares??

Of course, today being the planned day to talk to my boss...and heapos;s not even here. Monday, then...

A little more than halfway done with Breaking Dawn. I donapos;t know why my boss said his daughter hated it...Iapos;m enjoying it. Maybe itapos;s something that has to do with the ending..but Iapos;ll get there soon.

Yesterday I went over to my momapos;s to pay for my insurance..which is so much cheaper. She told me a bit about the series sheapos;s getting me..I canapos;t wait

Iapos;m sure Iapos;ll have Breaking Dawn finished before they even get here, so Iapos;ll make a trip to Barnes Noble and pick up a fairly short book thatapos;s on my list.

Iapos;m totally out of raisins...so I�snacked on my fat free pringles and salsa today after I�warmed up some chicken my brother grilled the other night. YUMMM.

Dadapos;s going out of town Saturday. Maybe Dustin can stay the night...

Went over to Chase and Chelsieapos;s last night. Played a bit of Rock Band 2; surprisingly, Dustin let them borrow it. Glad to see things are changing for the better after the feud.

Timapos;s birthday is today, but he has to go to Oklahoma for his auntapos;s funeral. How fucking weak is that? Thereapos;s always at least one person�in his family�dying or in the hospital for something...thatapos;s gotta suck. I hope he wonapos;t be glum for too long..or at least be okay by next weekend; I�wanna give him his gift and then we all need to take him out for dinner and possibly a movie.

Cheech �Chong is 2 weeks away...as is Halloween I havenapos;t heard of any definite parties though...sigh...hope I�didnapos;t get this costume to dress up and have nowhere to go.

I told Chelsie I might quit smoking. Sure, Iapos;ll help them out..but it obviously wouldnapos;t be often seeing as I wonapos;t be consuming part of the supply, and Iapos;m considering taking on a job in the evenings and weekends. Anything to pay my car off, man...I need to start my life.

Still have no clue what to get Dustin for Christmas...I told Chelsie I�should just get him a stocking full of weed, and Chase said that would be awesome. Iapos;m already giving them mini stockings with probably a dime in each...but Dustin..I donapos;t know..I�want to give him something a bit more creative, but maybe I�shouldnapos;t seeing as we just arenapos;t on that relationship level anymore.

Me Bren are going to Cedarapos;s tomorrow to pick up food and then having picnic in a park. I hope it doesnapos;t rain

I forgot that I�told Brian to call me when he wakes up. Dangit. I kind of want to hang with him, but the more I�think about it, I donapos;t. We never seem to hold a conversation for too long...

Testees is getting a bit..extreme. Last nightapos;s episode, which is only the second one after the pilot, was a bit too much for me. I had to cover my mouth and turn away a few times.

We hadnapos;t used the gravity bong, Willy, since before the hurricane. I�guess they decided to break it out last night.

I donapos;t know if it was because we used that or I�just hadnapos;t been smoking that much in the past few days, but I definitely had an anxiety attack on the way home. My first thought was to get water and find food before I�could black out; hence, no more raisins. I ate the remaining ones of my room stash...and then passed out.

I feel a bit sore; I�was shaking really bad last night...I remember just looking at myself trying to control it, but I�couldnapos;t.

I really feel that quitting might be for the best.

Today, my dadapos;s scale told me 107...but, I�had my boots and hoodie and clothes on, so my mom always says to take away 2-3 lbs. Could it be though? I donapos;t EVER remember being this small I�feel like I�donapos;t even look this small. I kind of want an excuse to go to the doctor since they HAVE to be accurate..but I�have no reason.

I need to stop making plans with people; itapos;s either, make plans and stick with them [no backing out] or just be the fuck alone.

After this weekend, I think Iapos;ll do that..until Halloween anyhow.

I will, sadly, not go to see the show on Sunday. I donapos;t want to be by myself there....I mean, Iapos;ve gone to shows alone before, but I didnapos;t enjoy myself as much. Plus, I really should be saving my money. I already know what to get my mother and brother for Christmas; getting mom an all day spa thing for like $200, then getting my brother this iMixer thing since he wants to start mixing..and thatapos;s another $200. Dad...meh..still undecided..but I will get him something; he HAS helped me out a lot, despite he fucks up here and there quite frequently.� If it werenapos;t for him, I�wouldnapos;t have this much money saved, and I�wouldnapos;t have a roof over my head.

My face is semi breaking out. UGH I hardly ever get pimples

Why canapos;t I�just live IN a bookstore...? Away from everyone? Iapos;d probably be the smartest person ever..picking up books on all sorts of things. I would love to work in a bookstore.......I should at least see if Barnes Noble might be hiring for the evening shift next time I�drop in.

So, my "rockstar boyfriend" as you would call him, Brendon, hasnapos;t really been in touch with me. Not like Iapos;ve really been putting any effort to doing so, either. I sent him a text the other day..heapos;s usually late in responding but I�just havenapos;t heard from him at all. Iapos;m fine with it; I�think because of Dustin...who yet again, makes it impossible to see anyone else in that kind of light.

I�donapos;t know..it feels so right. His family loves me, I�love his family, weapos;re SO comfortable with eachother...Iapos;m best friends with his best friends..Iapos;ve definitely gotten accustomed to not seeing him everyday if not seeing him for at least once a week or so.....so whatapos;s wrong? I guess it must be the title or the committing thing..but seriously..itapos;s not like he tries to meet anyone new.

Woe is me.

I guess next weekend, despite I�just said I�would stop making plans, I�should stick with the ones already having been made....which means going to Lesapos; show with Brenda and blind dating one of his band mates. Yikes...who knows how smoothly thatapos;ll go.

Fable comes out at midnight on Monday..or Tuesday rather. Must be nice to have XBOX live for that shit. Dustin, Chase and Chelsie canapos;t stop talking about it. I at first was excited but..Iapos;ve grown a bit cold to about everything lately.

I want so many things, but I�donapos;t want to spend my money. I�really want to get the important things taken care of. I probably wonapos;t go to any shows I had said I�would..except for Dimmu and then Minus the Bear seeing as I�already have tickets.

maybe I�should shut off my phone for a while...

-emily


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